Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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