My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
