so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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