We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize