u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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