I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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