just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
