They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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