Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
