just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
