I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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