We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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