My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
