Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
