If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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