Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I want her autograph on my taint
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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