I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
