Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
