ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
