entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
