you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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