Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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