I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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