i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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