Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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