Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize