i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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