There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
