Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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