I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
