I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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