Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
