you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
