You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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