On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
