She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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