i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
