The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
