Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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