My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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