My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
