okay pat passed out under dana's car
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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