somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.