Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.