I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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