Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS