I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
