so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
