You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
