I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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