I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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