he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
