cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.