I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?