I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
