Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
