Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
