Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
